My wish to be a mother

There are days when I feel I am stuck. Not growing and not progressing in any way. There have been times recently where I feel stuck, like I have progressed as much as I can at this time in my life. Because I have not started subbing all the time yet, I have spent a lot of time at home. I have been doing the menial chores that get forgotten from day to day life. I found myself dusting, and trying to get stuff that had collected on the drawers put away. I found myself playing a lot of video games this week. I just feel more and more that I am stuck.

My life long wish is to be a mother. But at this time we seem to be stuck in that too. I just feel at times that my body does not want to cooperate. And at times I feel like I am broken because my body does not want to cooperate in the ways of trying to have a baby. But at the same time I am trying to tell myself that it is all within The Lords timing. I know that I will be able to have children, I just have to have patience and wait on the Lord.

I think this feeling of feeling stuck is a reason why I want to improve my "motherly" skills. For the past two months I have felt the urge bake more, improve my crotchet, and learn how to can. I want to prepare now for the future. Because, as for the canning, I will not have time to learn when I am running after children.

I know it has only been a few months of trying for a baby, but there are time when I still feel like there is a hole in my heart. Like something is missing at this time in my life. But, I know it is still a waiting game. I must be patient. I know that one day I will be a mother, but I must wait. And as Sister Sheri L. Dew said in October 2001, "Motherhood is more than bearing children...it is the essence of who we are as women." Sheri Dew herself has never been married and has never had children. And yet she chose to not mope around and complain about her situation. She chose to improve herself and better herself.

And so I must do the same. I must continue bettering myself. Instead of moping that my life is not the way I want it to be. I must focus on the now and that Heavenly Father is still blessing me and keeping me safe. He is still granting me more blessings than I can even imagine. He is there for me and only wants the best for me. And what I think is best for me is to keep improving and taking steps forward.

I can practice being a mother to all those children around me. I can be kind and mentoring to all the children within my influence. Which right now is more than just my nieces and nephews. My calling in church is that of Primary Chorister. And with this calling I am in contact with tall the children in our church group every Sunday for two hours. And I must ensure that I do not belittle them or make them feel inferior. I must make sure that I build them up and make them feel loved. I must make sure they know that not just that I love them but more importantly that I love them.

So I may not be a mother to my own children, I can be a mother to others. And when the day comes that I will be blessed with the opportunity to be a mother, I will be more ready because I have practiced.

Learning new things

I know it has been awhile since I have written last, but here I am again. I would love to use the excuse that I have been incredibly busy and that I have had no time to write. But my only excuse is that I have been lazy. I have been awful at writing in my journal since I have gotten married. And I have also been lazy at keeping up with my blog.  I feel that I have just gotten more and more lazy in my down time as late. I wish I did more constructive things to pass the time. When I am not working, I normally sit around and watch Netflix or I am reading. I would like to improve so many things in life, but I find myself just getting distracted.

I find that I get distracted so easily in life. I start working on a crotchet project then while I am working, I get sucked in to a new show, and the next thing I know it is five episodes later, and I have the same amount of crocheting done. It is no farther along. And then I am just too lazy to continue. I have the hardest time staying focused on a project. There are many projects that I have started and I have never finished because it gets to hard or to complicated. Why do I stop when it gets hard. I ask myself time and time again why I get bored. And it is not that I do not enjoy the project, it is more I get distracted. and then distraction will turn to forgetting.

I need to improve one not getting distracted by the things of the world. I need to get better at turning off the internet and focusing more on the things of a better world.  I need to focus more on the things of a better world. I need to prepare for my future. I need to learn how to improve my sewing abilities. Blair and I wish to be as self sufficient as we possibly can at this point. I want to be able to save us as much money as possible. I want to be able to have the ability to have food in pantry that I have prepared myself. I want to be able to use what I make and what I prepare. I want shelves of preserved fruit and vegetables. I want home cooked meals as much as possible. I want to make my kids clothes. I want the house to be full of educational toys and activities so they will have room to grow and become better. I want to give my future children every opportunity. I want to be self sufficient. And I cannot do this by sitting around all day and watching Netflix and reading books about fantasy worlds (even though there will always be a time for that).

I know that this wish will take us time. And that these goals that I have for myself will take time and practice. And the best time and place to start is to start now. I can pick a few skills at a time and work on them. Then when I have those perfected I start the process all over again. I know it will take a lot of time and patience (that at times I know I do not have). I can improve and I can learn new skills.