There are times when I am sitting up alone at night wondering who I am? And what I am doing with my life? Tonight I am thinking about how I can improve myself as a person. Sometimes I think that I have myself together and that I know where I am going. Other times I feel so out of control and that I have no idea what I am doing. Tonight I am feeling contemplative as how I an improve who I am and how I serve those around me.
The times when I am alone after having a nap in the day really awakens my mind to these though processes. Sometimes I feel as though I am the most complete person and other times I feel so empty inside. There are things I want to do with my life but because of certain situations they are unattainable at this point. I want to be a mother but I find myself having trouble having children. I would like to see the world with my husband but we have school and bills to pay for. I wish that I could have "my piece of heaven", which would be a beautiful home in the mountains and as self- sustainable as possible.
But then I have to remind myself. That I have more than I need. I am more truly blest that I could ever ask for. I have a wonderful and loving husband who only wants the best for me. I have a warm house to live and food to eat. I live in a free country away from those who would do me harm. I live somewhere that I can worship how I wish. I have more than I need really. I have an abundance that many people in the world could only dream of. I do not have a lot but I have enough.
Yes, it is hard to go into Relief Society at church and to see all these women my age or younger with children and getting pregnant. Or all of my friends on facebook seem to be having children. At at those times I feel that that blessing will never come to me. But, I know I must have faith and I must trust that those things will come to past. I know I am loved and that I am not broken. I am more blessed than I could ever imagine.
I must continue on serving those around me and becoming that mother that I wish to be. And then hopefully that by His grace it will happen. I and my husband will continue to grow and become better. I must continue to work on the skills that I am t teaching myself. I must everyday get up and dust myself off and work and reflect.
I must search my soul and become who I want to be. I must loose myself in service. And I have found myself these last few weeks being able to serve those around me. I must serve those around me to serve myself. I have more joy because I have been able to serve those around me. Service is truly the way of happiness.
Sunday, 18 December 2016
Monday, 5 December 2016
Mind Spirals
Recently, I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I am and how I process information. I have not spent a lot of time on my own with my own thoughts. The reasons being:
1. Having as many siblings as I do. I never had alone time as a child.
2. I hate being alone.
3. My mind goes so many places at once that I cannot buckle down and think about one thing.
Sometimes there are times when I have no idea what I doing and what I am thinking. I am one of those that thinks before I act. I speak before I think, and also reacting before I think. I do not like when I am out of control of myself. But when things go wrong, there are times when I have no idea why. Because what made me upset is already long gone.
It is really frustrating that I do not know my own mind and there are times in which I could control it. Because once I spiral I usually then go to where it takes me a lot to get out of it again. I stat thinking everything is my fault and that I am a awful and evil person. Sometimes I wonder why I am so self destructive in my thinking.
I know that it is something I need to change. And right now the only person who helps me from spiraling is my wonderful and fantastic husband. He is such a support when I start to spiral. I know it is hard on him and it must not be easy. But he is always there for me.
I know there are things that I can do to control my thought processes when I start spirally and ways to come and realize my thought process. But at this time I do not know what those processes are. But I have access to three really important ones. Prayer, Scripture, Heavenly Father, and my husband (alright it ended up as four).
But I know that with help it is something that I can figure out. I can figure out my own mind and I can figure out how to be alone. (Even though I hate it with a passion.)
1. Having as many siblings as I do. I never had alone time as a child.
2. I hate being alone.
3. My mind goes so many places at once that I cannot buckle down and think about one thing.
Sometimes there are times when I have no idea what I doing and what I am thinking. I am one of those that thinks before I act. I speak before I think, and also reacting before I think. I do not like when I am out of control of myself. But when things go wrong, there are times when I have no idea why. Because what made me upset is already long gone.
It is really frustrating that I do not know my own mind and there are times in which I could control it. Because once I spiral I usually then go to where it takes me a lot to get out of it again. I stat thinking everything is my fault and that I am a awful and evil person. Sometimes I wonder why I am so self destructive in my thinking.
I know that it is something I need to change. And right now the only person who helps me from spiraling is my wonderful and fantastic husband. He is such a support when I start to spiral. I know it is hard on him and it must not be easy. But he is always there for me.
I know there are things that I can do to control my thought processes when I start spirally and ways to come and realize my thought process. But at this time I do not know what those processes are. But I have access to three really important ones. Prayer, Scripture, Heavenly Father, and my husband (alright it ended up as four).
But I know that with help it is something that I can figure out. I can figure out my own mind and I can figure out how to be alone. (Even though I hate it with a passion.)
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