True Joy

There are times when I am sitting up alone at night wondering who I am? And what I am doing with my life? Tonight I am thinking about how I can improve myself as a person. Sometimes I think that I have myself together and that I know where I am going. Other times I feel so out of control and that I have no idea what I am doing. Tonight I am feeling contemplative as how I an improve who I am and how I serve those around me.

The times when I am alone after having a nap in the day  really awakens my mind to these though processes. Sometimes I feel as though I am the most complete person and other times I feel so empty inside. There are things I want to do with my life but because of certain situations they are unattainable at this point. I want to be a mother but I find myself having trouble having children. I would like to see the world with my husband but we have school and bills to pay for.  I wish that I could have "my piece of heaven", which would be a beautiful home in the mountains and as self- sustainable as possible.

But then I have to remind myself. That I have more than I need. I am more truly blest that I could ever ask for. I have a wonderful and loving husband who only wants the best for me. I have a warm house to live and food to eat. I live in a free country away from those who would do me harm. I live somewhere that I can worship how I wish. I have more than I need really. I have an abundance that many people in the world could only dream of. I do not have a lot but I have enough.

Yes, it is hard to go into Relief Society at church and to see all these women my age or younger with children and getting pregnant. Or all of my friends on facebook seem to be having children. At at those times I feel that that blessing will never come to me. But, I know I must have faith and I must trust that those things will come to past. I know I am loved and that I am not broken. I am more blessed than I could ever imagine.

I must continue on serving those around me and becoming that mother that I wish to be. And then hopefully that by His grace it will happen. I and my husband will continue to grow and become better. I must continue to work on the skills that I am t teaching myself. I must everyday get up and dust myself off and work and reflect.

I must search my soul and become who I want to be. I must loose myself in service. And I have found myself these last few weeks being able to serve those around me. I must serve those around me to serve myself. I have more joy because I have been able to serve those around me.  Service is truly the way of happiness.