Being alone

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much I hat feeling alone. I have never enjoyed being alone. Being from a family as big as mine I never had much alone time. There was  never much time I spent to my own thoughts and my own ideas.  There was always someone around, and someone to be with. I did not even get my own room till I was 16. For a few years me and some of my younger siblings slept in the same bed.

I have been thinking a lot over the last few weeks, about how when I am a stay at home mom, how I will deal with the hours of loneliness my own inefficiencies.  Sometimes, when I am alone my mind goes to places that I do not wish it too. I think sometimes that I am a awful person, that I can do absolutely nothing right. I know that these thoughts are not even true. And I know exactly who those thoughts came from.

I have been thinking a lot these last few days about how to battle being alone and feelings of loneliness. I always tried to keep those feelings at bay with always having noise in the back ground. Whether it music or something on TV. I need to work on getting over those feelings of loneliness.  What I have been working on is spending a little bit of time everyday with no distractions. I have already seen some differences in myself. I have also been spending more time in the scriptures and thinking about who I am and my purpose here.

I have a long way to go, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I realized what I was afraid of everything seemed to make a lot more sense. Everything came into place. I am no longer afraid of being alone or of what I did in the past. All that is the past. And what is important is the future. We must look forward, not back. I am no longer afraid.  I will get better.
 

True Joy

There are times when I am sitting up alone at night wondering who I am? And what I am doing with my life? Tonight I am thinking about how I can improve myself as a person. Sometimes I think that I have myself together and that I know where I am going. Other times I feel so out of control and that I have no idea what I am doing. Tonight I am feeling contemplative as how I an improve who I am and how I serve those around me.

The times when I am alone after having a nap in the day  really awakens my mind to these though processes. Sometimes I feel as though I am the most complete person and other times I feel so empty inside. There are things I want to do with my life but because of certain situations they are unattainable at this point. I want to be a mother but I find myself having trouble having children. I would like to see the world with my husband but we have school and bills to pay for.  I wish that I could have "my piece of heaven", which would be a beautiful home in the mountains and as self- sustainable as possible.

But then I have to remind myself. That I have more than I need. I am more truly blest that I could ever ask for. I have a wonderful and loving husband who only wants the best for me. I have a warm house to live and food to eat. I live in a free country away from those who would do me harm. I live somewhere that I can worship how I wish. I have more than I need really. I have an abundance that many people in the world could only dream of. I do not have a lot but I have enough.

Yes, it is hard to go into Relief Society at church and to see all these women my age or younger with children and getting pregnant. Or all of my friends on facebook seem to be having children. At at those times I feel that that blessing will never come to me. But, I know I must have faith and I must trust that those things will come to past. I know I am loved and that I am not broken. I am more blessed than I could ever imagine.

I must continue on serving those around me and becoming that mother that I wish to be. And then hopefully that by His grace it will happen. I and my husband will continue to grow and become better. I must continue to work on the skills that I am t teaching myself. I must everyday get up and dust myself off and work and reflect.

I must search my soul and become who I want to be. I must loose myself in service. And I have found myself these last few weeks being able to serve those around me. I must serve those around me to serve myself. I have more joy because I have been able to serve those around me.  Service is truly the way of happiness.

Mind Spirals

Recently, I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I am and how I process information. I have not spent a lot of time on my own with my own thoughts. The reasons being:
1. Having as many siblings as I do. I never had alone time as a child.
2. I hate being alone.
3. My mind goes so many places at once that I cannot buckle down and think about one thing.

Sometimes there are times when I have no idea what I doing and what I am thinking. I am one of those that thinks before I act. I speak before I think, and also reacting before I think. I do not like when I am out of control of myself. But when things go wrong, there are times when I have no idea why. Because what made me upset is already long gone.

It is really frustrating that I do not know my own mind and there are times in which I could control it. Because once I spiral I usually then go to where it takes me a lot to get out of it again. I stat thinking everything is my fault and that I am a awful and evil person. Sometimes I wonder why I am so self destructive in my thinking.

I know that it is something I need to change. And right now the only person who helps me from spiraling is my wonderful and fantastic husband. He is such a support when I start to spiral. I know it is hard on him and it must not be easy. But he is always there for me.

I know there are things that I can do to control my thought processes when I start spirally and ways to come and realize my thought process. But at this time I do not know what those processes are. But I have access to three really important ones. Prayer, Scripture, Heavenly Father, and my husband (alright it ended up as four).

But I know that with help it is something that I can figure out. I can figure out my own mind and I can figure out how to be alone. (Even though I hate it with a passion.)

My wish to be a mother

There are days when I feel I am stuck. Not growing and not progressing in any way. There have been times recently where I feel stuck, like I have progressed as much as I can at this time in my life. Because I have not started subbing all the time yet, I have spent a lot of time at home. I have been doing the menial chores that get forgotten from day to day life. I found myself dusting, and trying to get stuff that had collected on the drawers put away. I found myself playing a lot of video games this week. I just feel more and more that I am stuck.

My life long wish is to be a mother. But at this time we seem to be stuck in that too. I just feel at times that my body does not want to cooperate. And at times I feel like I am broken because my body does not want to cooperate in the ways of trying to have a baby. But at the same time I am trying to tell myself that it is all within The Lords timing. I know that I will be able to have children, I just have to have patience and wait on the Lord.

I think this feeling of feeling stuck is a reason why I want to improve my "motherly" skills. For the past two months I have felt the urge bake more, improve my crotchet, and learn how to can. I want to prepare now for the future. Because, as for the canning, I will not have time to learn when I am running after children.

I know it has only been a few months of trying for a baby, but there are time when I still feel like there is a hole in my heart. Like something is missing at this time in my life. But, I know it is still a waiting game. I must be patient. I know that one day I will be a mother, but I must wait. And as Sister Sheri L. Dew said in October 2001, "Motherhood is more than bearing children...it is the essence of who we are as women." Sheri Dew herself has never been married and has never had children. And yet she chose to not mope around and complain about her situation. She chose to improve herself and better herself.

And so I must do the same. I must continue bettering myself. Instead of moping that my life is not the way I want it to be. I must focus on the now and that Heavenly Father is still blessing me and keeping me safe. He is still granting me more blessings than I can even imagine. He is there for me and only wants the best for me. And what I think is best for me is to keep improving and taking steps forward.

I can practice being a mother to all those children around me. I can be kind and mentoring to all the children within my influence. Which right now is more than just my nieces and nephews. My calling in church is that of Primary Chorister. And with this calling I am in contact with tall the children in our church group every Sunday for two hours. And I must ensure that I do not belittle them or make them feel inferior. I must make sure that I build them up and make them feel loved. I must make sure they know that not just that I love them but more importantly that I love them.

So I may not be a mother to my own children, I can be a mother to others. And when the day comes that I will be blessed with the opportunity to be a mother, I will be more ready because I have practiced.

Learning new things

I know it has been awhile since I have written last, but here I am again. I would love to use the excuse that I have been incredibly busy and that I have had no time to write. But my only excuse is that I have been lazy. I have been awful at writing in my journal since I have gotten married. And I have also been lazy at keeping up with my blog.  I feel that I have just gotten more and more lazy in my down time as late. I wish I did more constructive things to pass the time. When I am not working, I normally sit around and watch Netflix or I am reading. I would like to improve so many things in life, but I find myself just getting distracted.

I find that I get distracted so easily in life. I start working on a crotchet project then while I am working, I get sucked in to a new show, and the next thing I know it is five episodes later, and I have the same amount of crocheting done. It is no farther along. And then I am just too lazy to continue. I have the hardest time staying focused on a project. There are many projects that I have started and I have never finished because it gets to hard or to complicated. Why do I stop when it gets hard. I ask myself time and time again why I get bored. And it is not that I do not enjoy the project, it is more I get distracted. and then distraction will turn to forgetting.

I need to improve one not getting distracted by the things of the world. I need to get better at turning off the internet and focusing more on the things of a better world.  I need to focus more on the things of a better world. I need to prepare for my future. I need to learn how to improve my sewing abilities. Blair and I wish to be as self sufficient as we possibly can at this point. I want to be able to save us as much money as possible. I want to be able to have the ability to have food in pantry that I have prepared myself. I want to be able to use what I make and what I prepare. I want shelves of preserved fruit and vegetables. I want home cooked meals as much as possible. I want to make my kids clothes. I want the house to be full of educational toys and activities so they will have room to grow and become better. I want to give my future children every opportunity. I want to be self sufficient. And I cannot do this by sitting around all day and watching Netflix and reading books about fantasy worlds (even though there will always be a time for that).

I know that this wish will take us time. And that these goals that I have for myself will take time and practice. And the best time and place to start is to start now. I can pick a few skills at a time and work on them. Then when I have those perfected I start the process all over again. I know it will take a lot of time and patience (that at times I know I do not have). I can improve and I can learn new skills.

Powerful Prayer

I have had a rough few days emotionally. They have been incredibly overwhelming to the point where I broke down and cried. I felt like my life was falling apart and that there was nothing I could do to control it. My husband and I are living in my parents basement, I still don't have a job to go too, I don't know when we are going to move out, and then some more personal problems. Last night it all seemed to hit at once.

I cried, and wept into my pillow and by my husband not knowing what to do. I was so confused spiritually and I didn't know what to do. My husband even gave my a Priesthood Blessing, and the overwhelming nature of the situation was so much that it seeemed to me that it didn't even work. Blair and I laid down for bed and I figured out that I was comparing myself to others happiness and their joy. He reminded that on the outside everyone's life seems perfect, but I never know what is happening on the side I can't see. My husband also reminded me that I have been under a lot of stress and that I must calm down or that I will start going down a path I didn't want to go. I was so hurt and frustrated that I didn't wanted to say the evening prayer for our couples prayer. I was lying in bed, not being able to sleep and was away in "Amy-land". When I finally realized that I needed to pray. My pride got in the way that I didn't feel the need to pray.

I left our bed and kneeled to pray in the bathroom. I poured my soul out to my Heavenly Father. As I was pouring out my soul I felt a "blanket" of peace roll over me. I felt that everything will work out and that it is in His Hands. That is not the easiest answer.

Last night I felt like my faith in his plan was wavering but this morning I feel like I can get through the day. This morning I went on a walk down in the river valley in Medicine Hat. I was in my calm place, where you can see and hear nature all around you. I was sitting down there by the river and I started praying again. This time for the faith in my Heavenly Fathers plan for us. It is not the easiest thing to have faith in his plan, but it takes faith to take those needed steps in th darkness.

I know that Heavenly Father is watching out for us and is protecting us. I know that He has promised me many things and that I will receive many things if I remain faihtful. I am more blessed than I know and realize. And I am loved by a wonderful man who loves and supports me. He hurts when I hurt. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him for a husband. I am so grateful that he is worthy of his priesthood so that he can give me a blessing when I am in despair.

Blessings from in high

I do not know if anyone reads my blogs. I think these are more for me than for anyone else's benefit. I love writing and putting my thoughts on a page. I used to write all the time, I had to write in my journal every night before going to bed. I couldn't to sleep unless I wrote something down, even if it was just a sentence or two. It helped calm my mind so that I could sleep. But recently I have gotten out of the habit.  Now that I have my husband to talk to and to vent to when I am feeling sad or alone, I have stopped. I have been meaning to get back into the habit of writing all the time.  I found writing very therapeutic and relaxing. If I didn't write, I couldn't sleep. I would toss and turn for hours and hours until I had to get up and write anyway. I haven't written in my journal now for almost a year now, and I really do miss it. Maybe I will start using this as a journal. This is a place where I can tell others what goes on in my life. I feel also it will be a better to write it online in some form because my journals already take up a huge tote (almost 10 years of writing).

I have been thinking lately at how blessed my husband and I have been in the last few days. Just over a few days ago the city of Fort McMurry, Alberta started up in flames. The fire caused the whole cite of almost 80, 000 to be evacuated from their home at moments notice. I can imagine what they are going through. When Blair and I went through our house fire. We were lucky. We really nothing in the fire. WE had to throw out two toothbrushes, two towels, and all the open food in the house. But, to loose everything from your food, pictures, furniture, and family heirlooms. I could not imagine loosing everything. And to literally have to decide on what to take at a moments notice. I will be honest I would not know what I would grab in a moments notice. With our fire they literally told us to leave everything and go outside. What would I grab in a moments notice. Blair and I do have our bug out bags and bin. But would I think to take pictures and/or last minute food.

What things would be most important. And what I have come to the realization is that I would only grab my family and important documents. Stuff can be replaced, people cannot. I am grateful for the hard work of the emergency responders. These firemen are putting their lives on the line so that the fires do not spread and cause more devastation. But what has amazed me is the kindness and generosity of the Albertan people. Concourses of people have stopped their lives to take loads of much needed emergency supplies up to the people that were stranded on the highways. People and companies have gone above and beyond. The Albertan people have shown Christlike service.

Blair and I would of loved to donate money and or supplies to those people but the turth of the matter is that we do not have the means to do so. But the important part is that if we could we would give. I believe that service is also dependent on the intent of your heart. We would love to serve them but we can't monetarily. But we had the opportunity yesterday to fast for the evacuees and also those affected by the economic down turn, and for the weather to be tempered. I am grateful that I was able to serve in this manner.

I have also been thinking about how blessed I have been in regards, that we have a place to live. Blair and I have been unable yet to find a place in Medicine Hat but we are lucky that my parents are being so kind to allow us to stay in their basement. In payment we have to cook dinner but that is no big deal.

Blair and I are blessed more than either of us could imagine. Even though we do not have a lot we have enough for our needs. We have enough to make us comfortable and safe. We can still buy food and other things. We have never stood wanting for anything or struggled to buy groceries. I am very grateful to a Heavenly Father who watches out for us.