True Joy

There are times when I am sitting up alone at night wondering who I am? And what I am doing with my life? Tonight I am thinking about how I can improve myself as a person. Sometimes I think that I have myself together and that I know where I am going. Other times I feel so out of control and that I have no idea what I am doing. Tonight I am feeling contemplative as how I an improve who I am and how I serve those around me.

The times when I am alone after having a nap in the day  really awakens my mind to these though processes. Sometimes I feel as though I am the most complete person and other times I feel so empty inside. There are things I want to do with my life but because of certain situations they are unattainable at this point. I want to be a mother but I find myself having trouble having children. I would like to see the world with my husband but we have school and bills to pay for.  I wish that I could have "my piece of heaven", which would be a beautiful home in the mountains and as self- sustainable as possible.

But then I have to remind myself. That I have more than I need. I am more truly blest that I could ever ask for. I have a wonderful and loving husband who only wants the best for me. I have a warm house to live and food to eat. I live in a free country away from those who would do me harm. I live somewhere that I can worship how I wish. I have more than I need really. I have an abundance that many people in the world could only dream of. I do not have a lot but I have enough.

Yes, it is hard to go into Relief Society at church and to see all these women my age or younger with children and getting pregnant. Or all of my friends on facebook seem to be having children. At at those times I feel that that blessing will never come to me. But, I know I must have faith and I must trust that those things will come to past. I know I am loved and that I am not broken. I am more blessed than I could ever imagine.

I must continue on serving those around me and becoming that mother that I wish to be. And then hopefully that by His grace it will happen. I and my husband will continue to grow and become better. I must continue to work on the skills that I am t teaching myself. I must everyday get up and dust myself off and work and reflect.

I must search my soul and become who I want to be. I must loose myself in service. And I have found myself these last few weeks being able to serve those around me. I must serve those around me to serve myself. I have more joy because I have been able to serve those around me.  Service is truly the way of happiness.

Mind Spirals

Recently, I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I am and how I process information. I have not spent a lot of time on my own with my own thoughts. The reasons being:
1. Having as many siblings as I do. I never had alone time as a child.
2. I hate being alone.
3. My mind goes so many places at once that I cannot buckle down and think about one thing.

Sometimes there are times when I have no idea what I doing and what I am thinking. I am one of those that thinks before I act. I speak before I think, and also reacting before I think. I do not like when I am out of control of myself. But when things go wrong, there are times when I have no idea why. Because what made me upset is already long gone.

It is really frustrating that I do not know my own mind and there are times in which I could control it. Because once I spiral I usually then go to where it takes me a lot to get out of it again. I stat thinking everything is my fault and that I am a awful and evil person. Sometimes I wonder why I am so self destructive in my thinking.

I know that it is something I need to change. And right now the only person who helps me from spiraling is my wonderful and fantastic husband. He is such a support when I start to spiral. I know it is hard on him and it must not be easy. But he is always there for me.

I know there are things that I can do to control my thought processes when I start spirally and ways to come and realize my thought process. But at this time I do not know what those processes are. But I have access to three really important ones. Prayer, Scripture, Heavenly Father, and my husband (alright it ended up as four).

But I know that with help it is something that I can figure out. I can figure out my own mind and I can figure out how to be alone. (Even though I hate it with a passion.)

My wish to be a mother

There are days when I feel I am stuck. Not growing and not progressing in any way. There have been times recently where I feel stuck, like I have progressed as much as I can at this time in my life. Because I have not started subbing all the time yet, I have spent a lot of time at home. I have been doing the menial chores that get forgotten from day to day life. I found myself dusting, and trying to get stuff that had collected on the drawers put away. I found myself playing a lot of video games this week. I just feel more and more that I am stuck.

My life long wish is to be a mother. But at this time we seem to be stuck in that too. I just feel at times that my body does not want to cooperate. And at times I feel like I am broken because my body does not want to cooperate in the ways of trying to have a baby. But at the same time I am trying to tell myself that it is all within The Lords timing. I know that I will be able to have children, I just have to have patience and wait on the Lord.

I think this feeling of feeling stuck is a reason why I want to improve my "motherly" skills. For the past two months I have felt the urge bake more, improve my crotchet, and learn how to can. I want to prepare now for the future. Because, as for the canning, I will not have time to learn when I am running after children.

I know it has only been a few months of trying for a baby, but there are time when I still feel like there is a hole in my heart. Like something is missing at this time in my life. But, I know it is still a waiting game. I must be patient. I know that one day I will be a mother, but I must wait. And as Sister Sheri L. Dew said in October 2001, "Motherhood is more than bearing children...it is the essence of who we are as women." Sheri Dew herself has never been married and has never had children. And yet she chose to not mope around and complain about her situation. She chose to improve herself and better herself.

And so I must do the same. I must continue bettering myself. Instead of moping that my life is not the way I want it to be. I must focus on the now and that Heavenly Father is still blessing me and keeping me safe. He is still granting me more blessings than I can even imagine. He is there for me and only wants the best for me. And what I think is best for me is to keep improving and taking steps forward.

I can practice being a mother to all those children around me. I can be kind and mentoring to all the children within my influence. Which right now is more than just my nieces and nephews. My calling in church is that of Primary Chorister. And with this calling I am in contact with tall the children in our church group every Sunday for two hours. And I must ensure that I do not belittle them or make them feel inferior. I must make sure that I build them up and make them feel loved. I must make sure they know that not just that I love them but more importantly that I love them.

So I may not be a mother to my own children, I can be a mother to others. And when the day comes that I will be blessed with the opportunity to be a mother, I will be more ready because I have practiced.

Learning new things

I know it has been awhile since I have written last, but here I am again. I would love to use the excuse that I have been incredibly busy and that I have had no time to write. But my only excuse is that I have been lazy. I have been awful at writing in my journal since I have gotten married. And I have also been lazy at keeping up with my blog.  I feel that I have just gotten more and more lazy in my down time as late. I wish I did more constructive things to pass the time. When I am not working, I normally sit around and watch Netflix or I am reading. I would like to improve so many things in life, but I find myself just getting distracted.

I find that I get distracted so easily in life. I start working on a crotchet project then while I am working, I get sucked in to a new show, and the next thing I know it is five episodes later, and I have the same amount of crocheting done. It is no farther along. And then I am just too lazy to continue. I have the hardest time staying focused on a project. There are many projects that I have started and I have never finished because it gets to hard or to complicated. Why do I stop when it gets hard. I ask myself time and time again why I get bored. And it is not that I do not enjoy the project, it is more I get distracted. and then distraction will turn to forgetting.

I need to improve one not getting distracted by the things of the world. I need to get better at turning off the internet and focusing more on the things of a better world.  I need to focus more on the things of a better world. I need to prepare for my future. I need to learn how to improve my sewing abilities. Blair and I wish to be as self sufficient as we possibly can at this point. I want to be able to save us as much money as possible. I want to be able to have the ability to have food in pantry that I have prepared myself. I want to be able to use what I make and what I prepare. I want shelves of preserved fruit and vegetables. I want home cooked meals as much as possible. I want to make my kids clothes. I want the house to be full of educational toys and activities so they will have room to grow and become better. I want to give my future children every opportunity. I want to be self sufficient. And I cannot do this by sitting around all day and watching Netflix and reading books about fantasy worlds (even though there will always be a time for that).

I know that this wish will take us time. And that these goals that I have for myself will take time and practice. And the best time and place to start is to start now. I can pick a few skills at a time and work on them. Then when I have those perfected I start the process all over again. I know it will take a lot of time and patience (that at times I know I do not have). I can improve and I can learn new skills.

Powerful Prayer

I have had a rough few days emotionally. They have been incredibly overwhelming to the point where I broke down and cried. I felt like my life was falling apart and that there was nothing I could do to control it. My husband and I are living in my parents basement, I still don't have a job to go too, I don't know when we are going to move out, and then some more personal problems. Last night it all seemed to hit at once.

I cried, and wept into my pillow and by my husband not knowing what to do. I was so confused spiritually and I didn't know what to do. My husband even gave my a Priesthood Blessing, and the overwhelming nature of the situation was so much that it seeemed to me that it didn't even work. Blair and I laid down for bed and I figured out that I was comparing myself to others happiness and their joy. He reminded that on the outside everyone's life seems perfect, but I never know what is happening on the side I can't see. My husband also reminded me that I have been under a lot of stress and that I must calm down or that I will start going down a path I didn't want to go. I was so hurt and frustrated that I didn't wanted to say the evening prayer for our couples prayer. I was lying in bed, not being able to sleep and was away in "Amy-land". When I finally realized that I needed to pray. My pride got in the way that I didn't feel the need to pray.

I left our bed and kneeled to pray in the bathroom. I poured my soul out to my Heavenly Father. As I was pouring out my soul I felt a "blanket" of peace roll over me. I felt that everything will work out and that it is in His Hands. That is not the easiest answer.

Last night I felt like my faith in his plan was wavering but this morning I feel like I can get through the day. This morning I went on a walk down in the river valley in Medicine Hat. I was in my calm place, where you can see and hear nature all around you. I was sitting down there by the river and I started praying again. This time for the faith in my Heavenly Fathers plan for us. It is not the easiest thing to have faith in his plan, but it takes faith to take those needed steps in th darkness.

I know that Heavenly Father is watching out for us and is protecting us. I know that He has promised me many things and that I will receive many things if I remain faihtful. I am more blessed than I know and realize. And I am loved by a wonderful man who loves and supports me. He hurts when I hurt. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him for a husband. I am so grateful that he is worthy of his priesthood so that he can give me a blessing when I am in despair.

Blessings from in high

I do not know if anyone reads my blogs. I think these are more for me than for anyone else's benefit. I love writing and putting my thoughts on a page. I used to write all the time, I had to write in my journal every night before going to bed. I couldn't to sleep unless I wrote something down, even if it was just a sentence or two. It helped calm my mind so that I could sleep. But recently I have gotten out of the habit.  Now that I have my husband to talk to and to vent to when I am feeling sad or alone, I have stopped. I have been meaning to get back into the habit of writing all the time.  I found writing very therapeutic and relaxing. If I didn't write, I couldn't sleep. I would toss and turn for hours and hours until I had to get up and write anyway. I haven't written in my journal now for almost a year now, and I really do miss it. Maybe I will start using this as a journal. This is a place where I can tell others what goes on in my life. I feel also it will be a better to write it online in some form because my journals already take up a huge tote (almost 10 years of writing).

I have been thinking lately at how blessed my husband and I have been in the last few days. Just over a few days ago the city of Fort McMurry, Alberta started up in flames. The fire caused the whole cite of almost 80, 000 to be evacuated from their home at moments notice. I can imagine what they are going through. When Blair and I went through our house fire. We were lucky. We really nothing in the fire. WE had to throw out two toothbrushes, two towels, and all the open food in the house. But, to loose everything from your food, pictures, furniture, and family heirlooms. I could not imagine loosing everything. And to literally have to decide on what to take at a moments notice. I will be honest I would not know what I would grab in a moments notice. With our fire they literally told us to leave everything and go outside. What would I grab in a moments notice. Blair and I do have our bug out bags and bin. But would I think to take pictures and/or last minute food.

What things would be most important. And what I have come to the realization is that I would only grab my family and important documents. Stuff can be replaced, people cannot. I am grateful for the hard work of the emergency responders. These firemen are putting their lives on the line so that the fires do not spread and cause more devastation. But what has amazed me is the kindness and generosity of the Albertan people. Concourses of people have stopped their lives to take loads of much needed emergency supplies up to the people that were stranded on the highways. People and companies have gone above and beyond. The Albertan people have shown Christlike service.

Blair and I would of loved to donate money and or supplies to those people but the turth of the matter is that we do not have the means to do so. But the important part is that if we could we would give. I believe that service is also dependent on the intent of your heart. We would love to serve them but we can't monetarily. But we had the opportunity yesterday to fast for the evacuees and also those affected by the economic down turn, and for the weather to be tempered. I am grateful that I was able to serve in this manner.

I have also been thinking about how blessed I have been in regards, that we have a place to live. Blair and I have been unable yet to find a place in Medicine Hat but we are lucky that my parents are being so kind to allow us to stay in their basement. In payment we have to cook dinner but that is no big deal.

Blair and I are blessed more than either of us could imagine. Even though we do not have a lot we have enough for our needs. We have enough to make us comfortable and safe. We can still buy food and other things. We have never stood wanting for anything or struggled to buy groceries. I am very grateful to a Heavenly Father who watches out for us.

Pies of Service

So, I know that I just finished writing a post last night but I had another thright during a church activity today. Today my family and I had to opportunity to make almost 1000 apple pies for the Medicine Hat Food Bank. I spent the hours from 9 till about noon rolling out pie dough. I always how much fun serving in that capacity is. Most people would find it drudgery rolling out that many pies, but I had so much fun doing it. Talking and catching up with people that I have not seen in awhile.

I was honored to be able to help those in need in Medicine Hat area. I thought to myself today how a simple act of rolling out dough could mean so much to someone. My pie could help someone who has nothing else to eat.

I think we forget how a small act of service like making a pie could mean to a family that is struggling to make ends meet. My husband and I may not be well off, but we have never been wanting for food. We have never had to beg for our bread. We have been lucky and blessed immensely. I know those blessings are coming from our Father in Heaven. We have faithfully paid our tithing and fast offerings. I know that it is because of our recognizing Heavenly Father and giving  him thanks for everything he has given us is why we are doing so well. We may not have a lot things but we do have enough for our needs.

I now that this is not a long post but it was one that was deeply on my mind.

Patience Pays Off

It has been awhile since I have written in my blog. There are two things that have been keeping me from writing more often. One is that for almost 7 months we did not have internet. And two, when I was single I would write in my journal everyday because I had no one to talk to. Now that I am married I always have someone to talk to and vent at. (So I guess we can chalk it up to laziness, lol).

But I was thinking recently about the Lords timing and how it is absolutely perfect. My husband for almost a year was out of work, struggled to find what he wanted to do for school. Through many hours of prayer and contemplation we decided that we would apply to Medicine Hat College for school for the nursing program.  Once we found out that he got into the college everything started falling into place for the move to Medicine Hat. We really started to see and feel the hand of the Lord guiding us.

Once we decided to move, Blair found a job. Yippee!!!!!!!! I also decided to apply for a position on the substitute list for the Medicine Hat School District. I was on what I thought was just a information meeting with the HR Superintendent but I found out it was the the actual interview.
And I was told that I got the job. I'm on the list. Woohoo!!!

Everything that Blair and I have been been going through recently has required faith in His plan. We have to trust in him that. His plan is better than what we want. Do not get me wrong I am note saying we had the easiest time trusting in Him. There were times in this past year that was flat out frustrating and maddening. There were times where things seemed to not go our way and that nothing was happening. We felt stuck in a hole that there was no way of escaping.

But we just had to have faith in Him and His eternal plan. Things were dark and dismal. But now there is light and we can see that He was there the whole time. Testing us and our faith. As I said now that we are in Medicine Hat everything seems to be working out and our lives our starting.

So in conclusion I have learned that it is important to have patience. Patience in Him and He will have patience in you. If you have patience He will bless you. I have felt those amazing blessings in my life and I know that they are because of faith and trust.

The Adventure of Being Married

The last eight months of my life has been full of ups and downs. In my eight months of marriage been really strange and full of amazing and life changing experiences.

In the first eight months of our marriage  we have had 6 different jobs, and a house fire that caused us to be homeless for two months. Some additional financial expenses like new winter tires and a new wind shield. Money is also so tight that we cannot afford certain 1st world pluses.

I love my married life and it is absolutely marvelous. And it's is so fun to always have your most truest and bestest friend beside you at all times. The person who sees you for who you are and loves you despite the mistakes that you have made. Marriage gives you the opportunity to constantly serve another and to sacrifice for them.

There has been ups and downs and nights of tears but I have learned so much about myself and about my spouse. I have learned more about who I am and my capacity to love and to be loved. I thought I loved my husband the day we were married but I truthfully love him more today than I did on our sealing day.

Being married is more complex than I first thought. You are getting used to being around someone that you have never lived with before. You learn how each other work and what makes the other person happy and what ticks them off. I have been learning what it means to truly love someone more than I love myself. And that sort of love fills you and mashes you want to be a better person. Your partner WILL NOT change your behaviors. I have learned that the love that I have for my husband changes my behaviour.

I have also learned that you cannot always fix things when someone is sad. Sometimes all you can do is hold them.

I love my husband and love being married. Even though the last few months have had is mountains to climb it has brought us closer together. I truly love him more and more every day. Sometimes life is hard and throws you curve balls. And I am grateful that I have my best and truest friend by my side for time and all eternity.

Making Mistakes

I have been thinking lately, why is everyone so afraid to make mistakes. Be it, in school or at work or at play we are all scared of making mistakes.

Mistakes are just part of being human and living. Whether the mistake is forgetting to put your car in park or leaving the oven on and burning your food.

I am a firm believer that mistakes help you learn. They make you grow as a person and teach you to try again this time only harder than the last.

They make you push yourself to your limits and push you to find out who you really are.

I am not perfect and will never be perfect. I am so grateful for the many mistakes I have made in my life.  One that sticks out in my life is from grade three. I had forgotten to take my Ritalin that day and we were having a really big math test that afternoon. Because I had forgotten to take my Ritalin I failed the test miserably.
I failed it so badly that I remember I started crying. I was so embarrassed and upset with myself.

But my teacher did something amazing. She allowed me to retake the test on a day where I remembered to take my Ritalin. And man I did so much better. But I had also studied for days to prepare for this test. I remembered feeling so successful and so accomplished about what I had done.

I know because I had made that mistake that I was going to push myself to pass and to do that much better.

I do not understand why we are so afraid of making mistakes. I love making mistakes. Because then I can get up and try again. And do better the second time.

My life is not my own....

So it is pretty strange to think that it is already 2016. When I was as kid I thought that we would be living in a world like "The Jetsens". As a teenager I thought that i would be married with like 6 kids and be incredibly successful. As a person in their young twenties I still thought I would be married with kids but my life did not turn out as planned.

Here I am coming into my 29th year... My life did not go the way I had planned. I was single till just eight months ago and so I do not have 6 kids. I raised my brother's kids for a year, I have not had a job that I would call a career. I have lived in 3 cities and a bunch of moves. Lost a sister and a sister in law in premature death.

My life has not gone how I would of planned it but it has gone the way I needed. I needed the experiences I have had to become who I am today.

God has planned my life accordingly. And of course it has not been perfect. There were times when I was completely feed up with Him because I felt like life was not going my way.

It took a long time for my to realize that I am not in control of my life. There is someone who knows everything and knows me perfectly who is in control.
The past two years have been filled with lessons of learning that my way is not Gods way. That He knows the path that will bring the most joy.

I had no idea that three years ago that me following the strong prompting of moving to Edmonton would bring so much joy. I has no idea that two years ago that sacrificing my single life would eventually help me meet my eternal companion.

I learned that sacrifice truly does bring the blessings of Heaven. That the only way to find pure joy and peace is to follow the path that Heavenly Father has for us.

As I contemplate this year and the goals and dreams I hope to accomplish that I will be able to fill them and improve on them this year.

I have goals that will help me become a better and more well rounded person and will help me I my way to becoming a complete person. I have goals to loose some weight and get in better shape, learn how to crochet mittens and toques, learn to can vegetables,  read and ponder from the scriptures every single day, among others.

I hope these goals will help me in becoming a better person that can f give back to society and to others around me. But most importantly that my life will reflect the life of My Lord and Savior.